Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Declaration of Compensation By Absorption (humor)

In response to something I read which was supposed to be funny,

I came up with the following. Reading the link first is recommended!

To the subjects of England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales (commonwealth countries are exempt, no guilt by unwanted association with England is assumed), you are hereby given notice that due to your intercession in world affairs for hundreds of years causing slavery, chaos, religious fanaticism, border disputes and world wars that we had to bail your butts out of; the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IS TAKING CONTROL OF YOUR TINY ISLAND NATION.
Your queen and all members of the "royal family" and aristocracy (i.e. house of "lords" etc.) will be required to vacate all of their owned properties, which will be sold with the proceeds being split evenly between Native American governing councils and slave reparation groups. Said "royals" and "aristocracy" will seek gainful employment or if unemployable will be relocated to housing projects in East New York (city) and re-educated to be useful members of the catering or housekeeping industries.
Your president is now GEORGE W. BUSH. DEAL WITH IT.
There will be no questionnaire.
1. Look up aluminum in Webster’s Dictionary. The Oxford English Dictionary is no longer an acceptable source of anything except humorous words and spelling. The letter "U" will under no circumstances be inserted into words like favor, humor and color. Doing so will result in your fingers being broken after the third offense. The letter "Z" is pronounced zee. End of story, deal with it or have your tongues cut out. Arrogance in relation to "British English" will be considered a hate crime and as such is a federal offence, punishable by 15 years in a federal penitentiary. We will no longer export Jerry Springer (statistically the most viewed TV program in Britain) to you. The offices of the Sun, News of the World, Sunday Sport et al will be turned into temporary housing for the "royals" as they await moving to their new homes in E. New York. Coronation Street, East Enders and Emmerdale Farm will cease to be produced effective today. We will not ask you to look anything up, because we know that in the British education system 40% is pass and you leave school at 16, having studied one subject or maybe two if you are looking forward to working at McDonalds rather than the "chip shop".
2. There is no such thing a "British English". It will all be referred to as American. If you don’t speak it, learn. NOW.
3. There is no difference in English accents, they all sound like you have too much bubble gum in your mouth and are accompanied by a face as if you had just stepped in something.
Hollywood will be relocated to Hull. You deserve them and they you. British sitcoms will be illegal, as they constitute cruel and unusual punishment.
4. You will learn "The Star Spangled Banner". After showing your "Former Snotty Brit" card on demand, you can be required to sing it by any American born person or naturalized citizen at any time.
There is only one kind of football. The Patriots won the Superbowl playing this. Soccer is for women, girls and boys under 12 or British and European males. All British males (since they are so bold) will be required to play one full game of FOOTBALL against the NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS. The "British team" will wear no protection, padding, helmets or special gear of any kind. Those British males failing to play will be deported to France. Defamation of the game of Baseball is punishable by death. Formula 1 and touring car "racing" are hereby suspended.
5. In England, July 4th will be called, "Ragtag Rebels Whipped Our Haughty Ass Day". English people will wear big signs saying "Limey Loser" and eat at McDonalds in celebration.
6. All British cars are hereby banned, they are too small to hold more shopping than your mincing women in their white high heels and dowdy clothes can carry. The British car factories are all either owned by American companies or government subsidized, so what’s the difference?
7. Those stupid circles you people put at intersections will be replaced by intersections. Milton Keynes will be razed to the ground and its road structure will be preserved as a memorial to countless tourists who died while trying to escape it’s system of "roundabouts".
8. You will eat Freedom Fries or French Fries, (they aren’t really French anyway). You will be prohibited from using french fry, fish or other frying fat more than once. It makes you, your clothing, your houses and pubs smell like stale grease. It is unhygienic and nasty and the CDC has declared "chip fat" to be a world health threat. Formerly English waitresses will be forced to wash, put on clean clothes daily, take the cigarette out of their mouth when taking orders and be polite. Dental care will be provided to them. It will be a hate crime to boil any food more than 1 hour as is commonly done in England.
9. All tea destined for the "New Colony of England" will first be inspected in Boston and soaked in horse urine to make it taste better. Putting milk in hot tea will be discouraged and after a 5-year period, all tea will be consumed with ice.
10. The New Colony of England will from this day forward stop drinking the warm, fetid, rank, bile of a yak it calls "beer". The colony will be supplied with Bud or Bud Light. After loss of arrogance new citizens will be given a Miller or Coors card, if deserved.
11. Since you enjoy doing so, all New Colony citizens will continue to pay $6.00 per gallon of gas. This will remain in effect for your lifetime and will increase as necessary. If you don’t like it, move to France.
12. You will learn to shoot handguns. You will not be given any because of your nasty and petty natures. You will be subject to a class action lawsuit, just for being you.
13. Please tell us why the queen had Princess Di killed, and who did it.
14. The IRS will be seizing property in your area to pay for all the military aid we have given you and as reparations for the fee charged each time a US Military plane takes off from a British air base.
15. Scotland, Ireland and Wales will be given the option of self-determination or full statehood with all its privileges. They have been occupied and ruled long enough. A referendum will be held in those nations to determine if they wish to be sovereign entities, states of part of the New Colony of England. All British military will be withdrawn from N. Ireland at once.
16. All English people, before being allowed to visit the United States will undergo some tanning sessions, have their clothing washed and undergo dental treatment. No resident of the New Colony of England will be allowed on a US beach in "union jack" shorts, brown or black socks and sandals or with a hankie knotted on his head.
17. English women will be forbidden from wearing white stiletto heels with black stockings and beige dresses. English women’s hats are banned, immediately, due to their obscene ugliness.
18. You may not fail your driving test 15 times and still get a driver’s licensee. And it IS driver’s not driving, it’s the person being licensed not the driving.


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