Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Declaration of Compensation By Absorption (humor)

In response to something I read which was supposed to be funny,

I came up with the following. Reading the link first is recommended!

To the subjects of England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales (commonwealth countries are exempt, no guilt by unwanted association with England is assumed), you are hereby given notice that due to your intercession in world affairs for hundreds of years causing slavery, chaos, religious fanaticism, border disputes and world wars that we had to bail your butts out of; the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IS TAKING CONTROL OF YOUR TINY ISLAND NATION.
Your queen and all members of the "royal family" and aristocracy (i.e. house of "lords" etc.) will be required to vacate all of their owned properties, which will be sold with the proceeds being split evenly between Native American governing councils and slave reparation groups. Said "royals" and "aristocracy" will seek gainful employment or if unemployable will be relocated to housing projects in East New York (city) and re-educated to be useful members of the catering or housekeeping industries.
Your president is now GEORGE W. BUSH. DEAL WITH IT.
There will be no questionnaire.
1. Look up aluminum in Webster’s Dictionary. The Oxford English Dictionary is no longer an acceptable source of anything except humorous words and spelling. The letter "U" will under no circumstances be inserted into words like favor, humor and color. Doing so will result in your fingers being broken after the third offense. The letter "Z" is pronounced zee. End of story, deal with it or have your tongues cut out. Arrogance in relation to "British English" will be considered a hate crime and as such is a federal offence, punishable by 15 years in a federal penitentiary. We will no longer export Jerry Springer (statistically the most viewed TV program in Britain) to you. The offices of the Sun, News of the World, Sunday Sport et al will be turned into temporary housing for the "royals" as they await moving to their new homes in E. New York. Coronation Street, East Enders and Emmerdale Farm will cease to be produced effective today. We will not ask you to look anything up, because we know that in the British education system 40% is pass and you leave school at 16, having studied one subject or maybe two if you are looking forward to working at McDonalds rather than the "chip shop".
2. There is no such thing a "British English". It will all be referred to as American. If you don’t speak it, learn. NOW.
3. There is no difference in English accents, they all sound like you have too much bubble gum in your mouth and are accompanied by a face as if you had just stepped in something.
Hollywood will be relocated to Hull. You deserve them and they you. British sitcoms will be illegal, as they constitute cruel and unusual punishment.
4. You will learn "The Star Spangled Banner". After showing your "Former Snotty Brit" card on demand, you can be required to sing it by any American born person or naturalized citizen at any time.
There is only one kind of football. The Patriots won the Superbowl playing this. Soccer is for women, girls and boys under 12 or British and European males. All British males (since they are so bold) will be required to play one full game of FOOTBALL against the NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS. The "British team" will wear no protection, padding, helmets or special gear of any kind. Those British males failing to play will be deported to France. Defamation of the game of Baseball is punishable by death. Formula 1 and touring car "racing" are hereby suspended.
5. In England, July 4th will be called, "Ragtag Rebels Whipped Our Haughty Ass Day". English people will wear big signs saying "Limey Loser" and eat at McDonalds in celebration.
6. All British cars are hereby banned, they are too small to hold more shopping than your mincing women in their white high heels and dowdy clothes can carry. The British car factories are all either owned by American companies or government subsidized, so what’s the difference?
7. Those stupid circles you people put at intersections will be replaced by intersections. Milton Keynes will be razed to the ground and its road structure will be preserved as a memorial to countless tourists who died while trying to escape it’s system of "roundabouts".
8. You will eat Freedom Fries or French Fries, (they aren’t really French anyway). You will be prohibited from using french fry, fish or other frying fat more than once. It makes you, your clothing, your houses and pubs smell like stale grease. It is unhygienic and nasty and the CDC has declared "chip fat" to be a world health threat. Formerly English waitresses will be forced to wash, put on clean clothes daily, take the cigarette out of their mouth when taking orders and be polite. Dental care will be provided to them. It will be a hate crime to boil any food more than 1 hour as is commonly done in England.
9. All tea destined for the "New Colony of England" will first be inspected in Boston and soaked in horse urine to make it taste better. Putting milk in hot tea will be discouraged and after a 5-year period, all tea will be consumed with ice.
10. The New Colony of England will from this day forward stop drinking the warm, fetid, rank, bile of a yak it calls "beer". The colony will be supplied with Bud or Bud Light. After loss of arrogance new citizens will be given a Miller or Coors card, if deserved.
11. Since you enjoy doing so, all New Colony citizens will continue to pay $6.00 per gallon of gas. This will remain in effect for your lifetime and will increase as necessary. If you don’t like it, move to France.
12. You will learn to shoot handguns. You will not be given any because of your nasty and petty natures. You will be subject to a class action lawsuit, just for being you.
13. Please tell us why the queen had Princess Di killed, and who did it.
14. The IRS will be seizing property in your area to pay for all the military aid we have given you and as reparations for the fee charged each time a US Military plane takes off from a British air base.
15. Scotland, Ireland and Wales will be given the option of self-determination or full statehood with all its privileges. They have been occupied and ruled long enough. A referendum will be held in those nations to determine if they wish to be sovereign entities, states of part of the New Colony of England. All British military will be withdrawn from N. Ireland at once.
16. All English people, before being allowed to visit the United States will undergo some tanning sessions, have their clothing washed and undergo dental treatment. No resident of the New Colony of England will be allowed on a US beach in "union jack" shorts, brown or black socks and sandals or with a hankie knotted on his head.
17. English women will be forbidden from wearing white stiletto heels with black stockings and beige dresses. English women’s hats are banned, immediately, due to their obscene ugliness.
18. You may not fail your driving test 15 times and still get a driver’s licensee. And it IS driver’s not driving, it’s the person being licensed not the driving.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Auntie Anna

I'm going to veer away from the original political intent of this Blog spot for just a little bit, and write something to remember my great aunt, Anna. On Thursday Anna, at 96, passed away. She and I were the last blood relatives left. Anna personified many things for me, among them traditions, love and what I imagine is true middle America. So I'd like to take a minute to remember her and why she influenced me like she did.
For 49 birthdays I always got a card or phone call from Anna. No matter where in the world I was or what adventures or mis-adventures I had gotten up to, we kept in touch. She never missed a birthday or Christmas. We didn't see each other for 30 years, but we wrote and called and most years I remembered her too, although was forgiven for the times I forgot. When her daughter died last year my husband and I made the decision to move back here (a place I had vowed to leave forever) to look after her.
Anna, and her daughter who never married, were bright spots in a childhood that made me turn my back on my true home. I learned a lot from the two of them. I learned to bake the best sugar cookies in the world, a secret recipe involving pork chops, rice and orange juice; that frogs sometimes come out of the pump, that chickens like table food and Lilies of the Valley should always grow around the north side of your house. I also learned what it meant to never be judged, even when heading Hell-bent down the wrong road. I learned about God and messages of truth in the Bible. The two of them taught me that you don't need "things" to find pleasure in the world around you. The list could go on forever, from practical skills to philosophical thought.
Women like Anna used to be the true backbone of our country. I actually remember times when the men ate first because they were busy with the harvest. We girls never thought there was anything "sexist" about that (at least not until we were told by people who had no idea of why such things happened). You fed them, hurried them back to work then had a leisurely lunch chatting and cleaning up the kitchen and spending time with each other. Women used to be the teachers of values, the drier of tears, the strength behind their men and the bond that held families and traditions together. How many girls today can grow and can their vegetables or make a meal from next to nothing? How many young women don't understand the importance of simply being a woman and doing the things that we were made to do? We are here to nurture, love and teach. It truly seems that as we disregard our true destiny and hand our kids over to daycare and instant food that we, in so doing, are changing the very foundations of this country.
What can we do? There are so many elderly people who have no one or have to live in care facilities. These overlooked treasures would love a visit or some one to reminisce with. It is amazing how much you can still learn, no matter how old you get. The feeling once can get from sharing with and helping an elderly person is great. Mentoring is another way to help our society. If a young girl sees love and happiness in a family she may be more receptive to the traditions and values that make that family strong. That girl may just be the next me, and you might just be someone's Auntie Anna. She would really like that.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Ted Kennedy, Captain Queeg and the Strawberries, Revisited

Thank you Zell Miller! You, in comparing Kennedy to Capt. Queeg and Ahab, have raised an important point about the Senator from Massachusetts. HAS HE LOST HIS MIND?
Kennedy sums up all that is wrong with today's Democratic party.
What in the world is going on? We have witnessed him scowling, head shaking, sleeping and misbehaving through various speeches by President Bush and Ronald Reagan's funeral. Why is he still important? Why would anyone in their right mind listen to a man who seems bent on fomenting discord within our own political system. If it were a bright sunny day, and President Bush stated that fact, Kennedy and his minions would (while fanning themselves and wearing sunglasses), proclaim it to be the most horrible downpour in decades.
The "prominent" democrats in our political system are doing nothing short of giving aid and comfort to the enemy. They, by their antagonistic and hate filled rhetoric, add fuel to the fire of anti-Americanism around the globe. The orange-hat wearing screamers in today's political world are making our country lose credibility. One needs only to read the foreign press to realize that the left, worldwide, is gloating and giggling about what is happening and about the destruction from within.
What is the reason for this? Prominent Dems, wealthy and elitist, do not represent the "downtrodden". They and their Hollywood buddies DO NOT speak for mainstream America. What is the outcome that they desire? Why is their goal to create a divided society and the collapse of the nation created by our founding fathers?
The United States is not and should not become a socialist country. Think back to the former Soviet Union. Remember that the majority lived in poverty, had no personal freedoms, no free speech and had their entire life from cradle to grave set out by their government. Remember that the priveledged ones were the members of government who dictated what was "best" for the masses. Remember that, like the elitists in the Democratic party, academia, and Hollywood, they lived quite well, while those they "represented" lived a harsh and hopeless life.
Is this what you want for the United States. Do you want everyone to be equal in poverty and live life without hope? That is what we are headed for. As long as the "disenfranchised" cling to their losses and fail to lift themselves up, we are destined to fall. As long as the loudest voices are those from the left, the divide will widen. When hatred of the United States is as strong from within as it is from without our road is short and its destination is frightening.
It is time for the silent majority to become at least as vocal and active as the left. It is time to write, vote, boycott and become active. Stand up for members of our military who are serving, stand up as strongly for the traditional values of this country as those who hate them stand up against them. Don't let your comfortable life lull you into believing that everything is fine. Captain Queeg won't stop, he is going to find his strawberries if he has to take away all of our rights to do so.